Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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