I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
