I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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