I accidentally had phone sex last night
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
