Whod you bang
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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