i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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