please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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