I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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