After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
