You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
