I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
