I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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