that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
