We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
