Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
