I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize