Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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