Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I need a beard to bite.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
