right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
