All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
