PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
