Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize