I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
