My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
