I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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