you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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