There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Operation Purity has been aborted
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
