I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
