ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
