He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
