i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
