Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
