My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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