I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
