I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
