Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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