Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
His nipple licking is glorious
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