And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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