I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
