mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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