remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
