I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
