Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We left an ass print on the piano.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
