I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
