Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
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I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
