I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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