Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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