My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
