I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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