The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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