I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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