my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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