Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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