do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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