I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
