i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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