The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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