one two three fourrrrnication!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
