My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
