My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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