I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
