his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
