i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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