When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
