I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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