i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Less talking, more tequila
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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