Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize