Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
